I have insisted on trying to be as strong as possible while he is gone...I have learned in the last 15 days that strong doesn't me emotionless. I find myself struggling more and more as the days DRAG on yearning for him to come home. Tonight he told me that in the morning he will begin what they call Exposure type therapy which is all part of what they call CPT...this aspect is supposed to be especially rough on the Veteran.
I know that life must get worse before it gets better but to be honest I am tired of it getting worse...I fear the words..."it can't get any worse" yeah right don't say it...cuz it will happen...trust me I have and it did.
He is making some good progress thus far in the program and I am excited...but I am trying not to get too excited because I know that the man I married may never be completely back from the man who is constantly stuck 7000mi away in Iraq.
May the Gods smile on me and provide me the strength and intestinal fortitude to continue on and be the strong and emotionally honest woman that he and my children need me to be.
20110103
20101212
Poems on a bad day...
Trial by the Fires of War
The nights are long when sleep is slim
Is safe for me to comfort him
Under the covers of cotton and feather
The trials of war he still tries to weather
I love him dearly as much as I can
But somehow he never left that far away land
It took his innocence and now it dares
To take some of our son's with daddy's far away stares
I married a man with honor and charm
Little did I know that protecting our freedom had done invisible harm
How do you battle an enemy unseen?
No barriers or rubble to hide between
His cries in the night leave me upset
Not for me but for his soul's war torn debt
I ask the powers of the universe to please
Return the man who lived life with such ease
Give him his smile and laughter again
So he doesn't always feel as if he is in the lions den
The nights are long when sleep is slim
Is safe for me to comfort him
Under the covers of cotton and feather
The trials of war he still tries to weather
I love him dearly as much as I can
But somehow he never left that far away land
It took his innocence and now it dares
To take some of our son's with daddy's far away stares
I married a man with honor and charm
Little did I know that protecting our freedom had done invisible harm
How do you battle an enemy unseen?
No barriers or rubble to hide between
His cries in the night leave me upset
Not for me but for his soul's war torn debt
I ask the powers of the universe to please
Return the man who lived life with such ease
Give him his smile and laughter again
So he doesn't always feel as if he is in the lions den
20101205
Can't wait for this year to end!
The last 6 months of this year have blown donkey shit. I mean things with him are to be expected and as difficult as they are to handle...damn it they are part of the deal. But low and behold I am getting ready for him to leave for an extended period of time, and my grandmother passes away. She lived a wonderful and fulfilling life at 91, but losing her and spending what I thought was the last week before he leaves for a long time in another state SUCKED!
Then I get back only to find out due to beaureaucratic paper shit, the VA was saying...well we could call him to come up here any day now....Are you kidding me? You're going to take him on a split second moment!!! Sigh. Well Friday we got a call from them stating that he was to be at the VAMC at noon on the 19th. Okay, we have a date and a time. That was just fine for Friday and yesterday. Today, sitting by myself at work, I realized that in two weeks he was going to be leaving.
I know that he is going somewhere to get better and to get help for what is going on with him, but he is my lover, my best friend in the whole world and the person that I long to wake up next to FOREVER. I know that when he comes home he will be a better man, I am just kicking my feet right this second and screaming like a two year old and doing "I don't wanna" thing.
They have warned me that there may be times when he goes for days with out talking to me or wanting to talk to me because of the shit he going to be processing. This is a fair assessment of the situation and I can accept the facts of the matter...however the emotional side is screaming...why can't I just get the damn miracle and make this all fucking better?
I hope that I can be just as strong while he is gone as I have been while he has been suffering right in front of me. I had a friend recently tell me that I had no right to envy her for being the wife of a deployed soldier, because my husband can't die where he is going and her's can. At the time due to quantities of alcohol being consumed I couldn't explain to her why I envied her. But the fact of the matter is, to watch something, whether it be cancer or an emotional instability, eat and kill the body and or the soul of your mate, in my opinion, is much more difficult than the fact of them dying in a momentary incident of carelessness or violence. The "instant" death or fear thereof is simply that...instantaneous, where as living with someone who is ill in some fashion is a daily struggle to pray that they take one more breath or last one moment longer before the mental demons invade their consciousness. Though both are painful and difficult, I find the daily trial of what watching an invisible enemy eat my husband alive and there is nothing I can do to console him or myself is much more difficult than the fear or fact of a deployment death.
I think I am done...I am going to rest and attempt to relax and hopefully this year will come to a close with some kind of hope and peace.
Then I get back only to find out due to beaureaucratic paper shit, the VA was saying...well we could call him to come up here any day now....Are you kidding me? You're going to take him on a split second moment!!! Sigh. Well Friday we got a call from them stating that he was to be at the VAMC at noon on the 19th. Okay, we have a date and a time. That was just fine for Friday and yesterday. Today, sitting by myself at work, I realized that in two weeks he was going to be leaving.
I know that he is going somewhere to get better and to get help for what is going on with him, but he is my lover, my best friend in the whole world and the person that I long to wake up next to FOREVER. I know that when he comes home he will be a better man, I am just kicking my feet right this second and screaming like a two year old and doing "I don't wanna" thing.
They have warned me that there may be times when he goes for days with out talking to me or wanting to talk to me because of the shit he going to be processing. This is a fair assessment of the situation and I can accept the facts of the matter...however the emotional side is screaming...why can't I just get the damn miracle and make this all fucking better?
I hope that I can be just as strong while he is gone as I have been while he has been suffering right in front of me. I had a friend recently tell me that I had no right to envy her for being the wife of a deployed soldier, because my husband can't die where he is going and her's can. At the time due to quantities of alcohol being consumed I couldn't explain to her why I envied her. But the fact of the matter is, to watch something, whether it be cancer or an emotional instability, eat and kill the body and or the soul of your mate, in my opinion, is much more difficult than the fact of them dying in a momentary incident of carelessness or violence. The "instant" death or fear thereof is simply that...instantaneous, where as living with someone who is ill in some fashion is a daily struggle to pray that they take one more breath or last one moment longer before the mental demons invade their consciousness. Though both are painful and difficult, I find the daily trial of what watching an invisible enemy eat my husband alive and there is nothing I can do to console him or myself is much more difficult than the fear or fact of a deployment death.
I think I am done...I am going to rest and attempt to relax and hopefully this year will come to a close with some kind of hope and peace.
20101121
And life goes on....
Sigh,
So yesterday he told me that I would be allowed to sleep in a little just to catch up on what little sleep I have been getting lately. All was good until he woke me up telling me that even after taking his anxiety medication he was still loosing his cool and couldn't stop it. So I got up and started my day. He decided to lie down for a bit and see if he could get to feeling a bit more in control. When he got up almost 4 hours later he seemed to be doing a bit better. As the day turned to evening, his control seemed to be waning again. I made the mistake of asking, "Why are you angry now?" At which point I got accused of always saying he is angry and not understanding that he is not.(mind you, I was being yelled at) I simply just couldn't hold on any longer, I began crying almost uncontrollably, finding myself breaking under the pressure of holding my family together. NO, I was/am not at a giving up point, but damn there are some days where I feel like it doesn't matter whether I give up or not, I am already 6ft under and they are throwing the dirt on top w/out checking my pulse.
After some time, he was able to calm to a point where I felt comfortable with everything (sort of) again and we went to bed. As much as I love him and I don't want him to leave...I am looking forward to the 2 month program and its probable ability to provide him with ways to cope on days like yesterday. I don't know how I am going to handle life, but that is part of being a "Soldier's Wife" right? It may sound stupid, but I will miss that warm body that snores so loud, but all I have to do is flick his nose and he stops. I will miss waking up and looking at him and knowing another day has begun with the man that I love. I DON'T WANT him to go...but I know it is for the "best". There are days' where I truly believe that the universe is out to break every part of me down just to see how much it will take...and DAMN IT I refuse to give up, I love him and our family way too freaking much. But I am just rambling more than usual...I am going to go for now....
So yesterday he told me that I would be allowed to sleep in a little just to catch up on what little sleep I have been getting lately. All was good until he woke me up telling me that even after taking his anxiety medication he was still loosing his cool and couldn't stop it. So I got up and started my day. He decided to lie down for a bit and see if he could get to feeling a bit more in control. When he got up almost 4 hours later he seemed to be doing a bit better. As the day turned to evening, his control seemed to be waning again. I made the mistake of asking, "Why are you angry now?" At which point I got accused of always saying he is angry and not understanding that he is not.(mind you, I was being yelled at) I simply just couldn't hold on any longer, I began crying almost uncontrollably, finding myself breaking under the pressure of holding my family together. NO, I was/am not at a giving up point, but damn there are some days where I feel like it doesn't matter whether I give up or not, I am already 6ft under and they are throwing the dirt on top w/out checking my pulse.
After some time, he was able to calm to a point where I felt comfortable with everything (sort of) again and we went to bed. As much as I love him and I don't want him to leave...I am looking forward to the 2 month program and its probable ability to provide him with ways to cope on days like yesterday. I don't know how I am going to handle life, but that is part of being a "Soldier's Wife" right? It may sound stupid, but I will miss that warm body that snores so loud, but all I have to do is flick his nose and he stops. I will miss waking up and looking at him and knowing another day has begun with the man that I love. I DON'T WANT him to go...but I know it is for the "best". There are days' where I truly believe that the universe is out to break every part of me down just to see how much it will take...and DAMN IT I refuse to give up, I love him and our family way too freaking much. But I am just rambling more than usual...I am going to go for now....
20101114
Life has been a ride....
Well since the last time i wrote, I found out how deep the scars in him run. We had to take him, just after Halloween, to the VAMC in Denver. For the next 5 days I sat wondering what that place had done to him and how much my dear husband had kept as a secret for fear of me being upset about it. I had amazing friends that pulled me out of bed everyday and consoled me when I felt inconsolable. During that time he realized that the outpatient care and counseling he had been receiving was not going to correct/fix what that desolate hell hole and some of it's people had done to him. At this point he began considering and actually looking forward to attending a 7-week long Residential Program at the VAMC. I had hoped so that I wouldn't have to say "see you later" more than once that he would be able to transition from the In-patient floor directly to the Program. However they require 30days outpatient stability then he can return for the program. We had discussed allowing him to go to TN to straighten what he could out with his former TC, which the LCSW saw as a good thing so that he could go into the program already motivated and aware of everything he was going to be facing. This sounds like a great plan right????
Well BOOM! Yesterday he looks at me and says, "I can't do both." Huh? "I can't be a dad/husband and be able to manage this monster. I want to cancel our trip and go into the program at 30 days."
At this point my heart sank. I had been able to look forward to Christmas and our vacation before this illness was going to take my husband away for almost two months with only "hope" no guarantee that he will get better. I know to some this may sound stupid, but I would rather be seeing him off to the damn desert again...there are two results there...home w/ a heartbeat or home in a box. It sounds cold but it doesn't seem as scary as this roller coaster is looking thus far. Today I had to inform the family and friends we were scheduled to see that I wouldn't be able to make it. Though they were understanding, none of them really "understood" the magnitude of the situation. I guess I can't expect them to either. But none the less this is a somewhat readers digest of the past almost month.
Well BOOM! Yesterday he looks at me and says, "I can't do both." Huh? "I can't be a dad/husband and be able to manage this monster. I want to cancel our trip and go into the program at 30 days."
At this point my heart sank. I had been able to look forward to Christmas and our vacation before this illness was going to take my husband away for almost two months with only "hope" no guarantee that he will get better. I know to some this may sound stupid, but I would rather be seeing him off to the damn desert again...there are two results there...home w/ a heartbeat or home in a box. It sounds cold but it doesn't seem as scary as this roller coaster is looking thus far. Today I had to inform the family and friends we were scheduled to see that I wouldn't be able to make it. Though they were understanding, none of them really "understood" the magnitude of the situation. I guess I can't expect them to either. But none the less this is a somewhat readers digest of the past almost month.
20101018
Interesting....
Well today was one of the more unique days I have had in a while. The whole family, besides baby girl who sleeps like a rock, had a rough night of sleep between, my husband's nightmares, and my son who gracefully rolled in a cactus yesterday etc, etc. This morning I didn't really get a choice, my husband insisted that after about 3 hours of sleep I needed to get up because he was feeling crappy (more like crabby) after his nightmares last night. SO I reluctantly agreed and peeled myself out of bed. I get upstairs to the family room and chaos is spinning around my hubby and he is sitting there just sort of zoned out. I know that where he is at in his head isn't all that great (esp. when he zones out) but damn I would love to be able to go anywhere but home some days when my children have turned the house in to the local zoo.
Anyway, he finally leaves for class and my son looks at me and asks. Mommy will daddy ever be happy again? At this point, my heart just broke. I love them all so much and now that he is getting more and more aware as a 3 yr old little boy does, he is starting to ask some really hard questions. All I could say is "Daddy shows happy different than you and I because Daddy was an Army man who saw lots of scary stuff. SO sometimes daddy doesn't know how to show he is happy." Of course my son looked at me like "mom you are STONED" but he nodded and trotted off to play.
Watching him play reminds me of how simple life was.....ONCE upon a midnight icky...I just hope what is going on with my husband doesn't destroy that simplicity of childhood that he and his sister still have. I don't think that it will because my wonderful husband loves, when his head space is okay, playing like one of the kids out in the yard. I am very blessed but when days like today happen I have to find the silver lining in the whole damn thing or it will all go to hell and I'll be driving the bus.
Anyway, he finally leaves for class and my son looks at me and asks. Mommy will daddy ever be happy again? At this point, my heart just broke. I love them all so much and now that he is getting more and more aware as a 3 yr old little boy does, he is starting to ask some really hard questions. All I could say is "Daddy shows happy different than you and I because Daddy was an Army man who saw lots of scary stuff. SO sometimes daddy doesn't know how to show he is happy." Of course my son looked at me like "mom you are STONED" but he nodded and trotted off to play.
Watching him play reminds me of how simple life was.....ONCE upon a midnight icky...I just hope what is going on with my husband doesn't destroy that simplicity of childhood that he and his sister still have. I don't think that it will because my wonderful husband loves, when his head space is okay, playing like one of the kids out in the yard. I am very blessed but when days like today happen I have to find the silver lining in the whole damn thing or it will all go to hell and I'll be driving the bus.
Late night thoughts
In the silence of the late night hours are when I find the most comfort in my own mind. Last night, the simple sound of sand from a child's sand box falling on a nylon fabric took my wonderful husband back to that horrible place. Even though it was only for a moment, I saw once again that fear stricken glow happen in his eyes. In those moments I find myself wanting the impossible...to take on his burden. Instead I simply shrug it off and unless he brings it to my attention I move on as if it never happened.
I find myself loving him for who he is but wondering if he simple child-like wonderment will ever come back. When he and I met, his most prized possessions were his legos...a 21 year old in love with a child's toy. Though at the time I found it mildly annoying, I almost miss it now because those were the day's when I could be mad at him for forgetting dinner because he was playing with his legos or drawing rather than looking at him and trying to reel him back from that hell hole he fought in. Ironically enough, I met my husband after he had served over there. The fact of the matter was his "outbursts" and his paranoia and all of the other PTSD symptoms were swept under the rug of "honey I'm not broken I just had a bad day". That was all well and good until he had a complete mental melt down and finally looked at me and said..."I need help...it won't stop haunting me." Though I had known this the majority of our relationship, this was the first time he admitted it to me. SO we started on the long road that we have been walking for almost a year now trying everyday to get him better...some days we succeed and others we miserably fail. I just have to figure out how to get the failures off of my chest and admit that I am not in complete control of whether we succeed or fail...it is up to him, me, the kids and the universe....that DAMN universe.....well I am getting more nonsensical than normal...I am going to bed.
I find myself loving him for who he is but wondering if he simple child-like wonderment will ever come back. When he and I met, his most prized possessions were his legos...a 21 year old in love with a child's toy. Though at the time I found it mildly annoying, I almost miss it now because those were the day's when I could be mad at him for forgetting dinner because he was playing with his legos or drawing rather than looking at him and trying to reel him back from that hell hole he fought in. Ironically enough, I met my husband after he had served over there. The fact of the matter was his "outbursts" and his paranoia and all of the other PTSD symptoms were swept under the rug of "honey I'm not broken I just had a bad day". That was all well and good until he had a complete mental melt down and finally looked at me and said..."I need help...it won't stop haunting me." Though I had known this the majority of our relationship, this was the first time he admitted it to me. SO we started on the long road that we have been walking for almost a year now trying everyday to get him better...some days we succeed and others we miserably fail. I just have to figure out how to get the failures off of my chest and admit that I am not in complete control of whether we succeed or fail...it is up to him, me, the kids and the universe....that DAMN universe.....well I am getting more nonsensical than normal...I am going to bed.
20101017
Sigh!
My husband is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. He has gifted me with two beautiful children and a life that I couldn't have dreamed up if I tried. Today I am sitting here wondering if there is something I could have done to prevent our most recent battle that we are facing together. I know that I couldn't stop him from going to that "place" or seeing war at such a young age...but one can wish right? Daily we walk this path together, I love him in everything he is even when he thinks that I shouldn't I do.
Seeing him cry in his sleep, or yell out for those who are no longer with us is a task that is meant for only those of us who have chosen to be a soldier/servicemember's significant other. When I decided to be his wife I knew that there would be tough days, but little did I realize how hard it would be to try and stand by him when he doesn't even realize that I am there. At night he re-lives those days in the sandbox only to wake up in our bed lying next to me, leaving him confused and distraught. What am I to do? There really is nothing that I have found to be productive other than look at him and tell him, I love you baby, and move on with the day. I recently asked a long-time friend, when do you think that I will get the man I fell in love with back...he looked at me and said "he never left you stupid girl". Knowing he meant no harm in the comment I began to think about it. The reality is the man I fell in love with is still there...but he is hidden deep inside of the soldier reeling from the long term mental scars of war. But still the ? begs...when or for that matter will he ever return to the carefree over grown child I saw most of the first year we were together?
With that ? out there I sit and smile through most of what I can...he need not know that is wife, for whom he supposed to take care of, is sad and scared to see him so distraught. SO i walk through life waiting for moments like this to let the feelings free and discharge them to be able to go through with the rest of the day/week until I get another moment.
Seeing him cry in his sleep, or yell out for those who are no longer with us is a task that is meant for only those of us who have chosen to be a soldier/servicemember's significant other. When I decided to be his wife I knew that there would be tough days, but little did I realize how hard it would be to try and stand by him when he doesn't even realize that I am there. At night he re-lives those days in the sandbox only to wake up in our bed lying next to me, leaving him confused and distraught. What am I to do? There really is nothing that I have found to be productive other than look at him and tell him, I love you baby, and move on with the day. I recently asked a long-time friend, when do you think that I will get the man I fell in love with back...he looked at me and said "he never left you stupid girl". Knowing he meant no harm in the comment I began to think about it. The reality is the man I fell in love with is still there...but he is hidden deep inside of the soldier reeling from the long term mental scars of war. But still the ? begs...when or for that matter will he ever return to the carefree over grown child I saw most of the first year we were together?
With that ? out there I sit and smile through most of what I can...he need not know that is wife, for whom he supposed to take care of, is sad and scared to see him so distraught. SO i walk through life waiting for moments like this to let the feelings free and discharge them to be able to go through with the rest of the day/week until I get another moment.
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