Well today was one of the more unique days I have had in a while. The whole family, besides baby girl who sleeps like a rock, had a rough night of sleep between, my husband's nightmares, and my son who gracefully rolled in a cactus yesterday etc, etc. This morning I didn't really get a choice, my husband insisted that after about 3 hours of sleep I needed to get up because he was feeling crappy (more like crabby) after his nightmares last night. SO I reluctantly agreed and peeled myself out of bed. I get upstairs to the family room and chaos is spinning around my hubby and he is sitting there just sort of zoned out. I know that where he is at in his head isn't all that great (esp. when he zones out) but damn I would love to be able to go anywhere but home some days when my children have turned the house in to the local zoo.
Anyway, he finally leaves for class and my son looks at me and asks. Mommy will daddy ever be happy again? At this point, my heart just broke. I love them all so much and now that he is getting more and more aware as a 3 yr old little boy does, he is starting to ask some really hard questions. All I could say is "Daddy shows happy different than you and I because Daddy was an Army man who saw lots of scary stuff. SO sometimes daddy doesn't know how to show he is happy." Of course my son looked at me like "mom you are STONED" but he nodded and trotted off to play.
Watching him play reminds me of how simple life was.....ONCE upon a midnight icky...I just hope what is going on with my husband doesn't destroy that simplicity of childhood that he and his sister still have. I don't think that it will because my wonderful husband loves, when his head space is okay, playing like one of the kids out in the yard. I am very blessed but when days like today happen I have to find the silver lining in the whole damn thing or it will all go to hell and I'll be driving the bus.
20101018
Late night thoughts
In the silence of the late night hours are when I find the most comfort in my own mind. Last night, the simple sound of sand from a child's sand box falling on a nylon fabric took my wonderful husband back to that horrible place. Even though it was only for a moment, I saw once again that fear stricken glow happen in his eyes. In those moments I find myself wanting the impossible...to take on his burden. Instead I simply shrug it off and unless he brings it to my attention I move on as if it never happened.
I find myself loving him for who he is but wondering if he simple child-like wonderment will ever come back. When he and I met, his most prized possessions were his legos...a 21 year old in love with a child's toy. Though at the time I found it mildly annoying, I almost miss it now because those were the day's when I could be mad at him for forgetting dinner because he was playing with his legos or drawing rather than looking at him and trying to reel him back from that hell hole he fought in. Ironically enough, I met my husband after he had served over there. The fact of the matter was his "outbursts" and his paranoia and all of the other PTSD symptoms were swept under the rug of "honey I'm not broken I just had a bad day". That was all well and good until he had a complete mental melt down and finally looked at me and said..."I need help...it won't stop haunting me." Though I had known this the majority of our relationship, this was the first time he admitted it to me. SO we started on the long road that we have been walking for almost a year now trying everyday to get him better...some days we succeed and others we miserably fail. I just have to figure out how to get the failures off of my chest and admit that I am not in complete control of whether we succeed or fail...it is up to him, me, the kids and the universe....that DAMN universe.....well I am getting more nonsensical than normal...I am going to bed.
I find myself loving him for who he is but wondering if he simple child-like wonderment will ever come back. When he and I met, his most prized possessions were his legos...a 21 year old in love with a child's toy. Though at the time I found it mildly annoying, I almost miss it now because those were the day's when I could be mad at him for forgetting dinner because he was playing with his legos or drawing rather than looking at him and trying to reel him back from that hell hole he fought in. Ironically enough, I met my husband after he had served over there. The fact of the matter was his "outbursts" and his paranoia and all of the other PTSD symptoms were swept under the rug of "honey I'm not broken I just had a bad day". That was all well and good until he had a complete mental melt down and finally looked at me and said..."I need help...it won't stop haunting me." Though I had known this the majority of our relationship, this was the first time he admitted it to me. SO we started on the long road that we have been walking for almost a year now trying everyday to get him better...some days we succeed and others we miserably fail. I just have to figure out how to get the failures off of my chest and admit that I am not in complete control of whether we succeed or fail...it is up to him, me, the kids and the universe....that DAMN universe.....well I am getting more nonsensical than normal...I am going to bed.
20101017
Sigh!
My husband is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. He has gifted me with two beautiful children and a life that I couldn't have dreamed up if I tried. Today I am sitting here wondering if there is something I could have done to prevent our most recent battle that we are facing together. I know that I couldn't stop him from going to that "place" or seeing war at such a young age...but one can wish right? Daily we walk this path together, I love him in everything he is even when he thinks that I shouldn't I do.
Seeing him cry in his sleep, or yell out for those who are no longer with us is a task that is meant for only those of us who have chosen to be a soldier/servicemember's significant other. When I decided to be his wife I knew that there would be tough days, but little did I realize how hard it would be to try and stand by him when he doesn't even realize that I am there. At night he re-lives those days in the sandbox only to wake up in our bed lying next to me, leaving him confused and distraught. What am I to do? There really is nothing that I have found to be productive other than look at him and tell him, I love you baby, and move on with the day. I recently asked a long-time friend, when do you think that I will get the man I fell in love with back...he looked at me and said "he never left you stupid girl". Knowing he meant no harm in the comment I began to think about it. The reality is the man I fell in love with is still there...but he is hidden deep inside of the soldier reeling from the long term mental scars of war. But still the ? begs...when or for that matter will he ever return to the carefree over grown child I saw most of the first year we were together?
With that ? out there I sit and smile through most of what I can...he need not know that is wife, for whom he supposed to take care of, is sad and scared to see him so distraught. SO i walk through life waiting for moments like this to let the feelings free and discharge them to be able to go through with the rest of the day/week until I get another moment.
Seeing him cry in his sleep, or yell out for those who are no longer with us is a task that is meant for only those of us who have chosen to be a soldier/servicemember's significant other. When I decided to be his wife I knew that there would be tough days, but little did I realize how hard it would be to try and stand by him when he doesn't even realize that I am there. At night he re-lives those days in the sandbox only to wake up in our bed lying next to me, leaving him confused and distraught. What am I to do? There really is nothing that I have found to be productive other than look at him and tell him, I love you baby, and move on with the day. I recently asked a long-time friend, when do you think that I will get the man I fell in love with back...he looked at me and said "he never left you stupid girl". Knowing he meant no harm in the comment I began to think about it. The reality is the man I fell in love with is still there...but he is hidden deep inside of the soldier reeling from the long term mental scars of war. But still the ? begs...when or for that matter will he ever return to the carefree over grown child I saw most of the first year we were together?
With that ? out there I sit and smile through most of what I can...he need not know that is wife, for whom he supposed to take care of, is sad and scared to see him so distraught. SO i walk through life waiting for moments like this to let the feelings free and discharge them to be able to go through with the rest of the day/week until I get another moment.
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