And life goes on....

Sigh,
So yesterday he told me that I would be allowed to sleep in a little just to catch up on what little sleep I have been getting lately.  All was good until he woke me up telling me that even after taking his anxiety medication he was still loosing his cool and couldn't stop it.  So I got up and started my day.  He decided to lie down for a bit and see if he could get to feeling a bit more in control.  When he got up almost 4 hours later he seemed to be doing a bit better.  As the day turned to evening, his control seemed to be waning again.  I made the mistake of asking, "Why are you angry now?" At which point I got accused of always saying he is angry and not understanding that he is not.(mind you, I was being yelled at)  I simply just couldn't hold on any longer, I began crying almost uncontrollably, finding myself breaking under the pressure of holding my family together.  NO, I was/am not at a giving up point, but damn there are some days where I feel like it doesn't matter whether I give up or not, I am already 6ft under and they are throwing the dirt on top w/out checking my pulse.
After some time, he was able to calm to a point where I felt comfortable with everything (sort of) again and we went to bed.  As much as I love him and I don't want him to leave...I am looking forward to the 2 month program and its probable ability to provide him with ways to cope on days like yesterday.  I don't know how I am going to handle life, but that is part of being a "Soldier's Wife" right?  It may sound stupid, but I will miss that warm body that snores so loud, but all I have to do is flick his nose and he stops.  I will miss waking up and looking at him and knowing another day has begun with the man that I love.  I DON'T WANT him to go...but I know it is for the "best".  There are days' where I truly believe that the universe is out to break every part of me down just to see how much it will take...and DAMN IT I refuse to give up, I love him and our family way too freaking much.  But I am just rambling more than usual...I am going to go for now....

Life has been a ride....

Well since the last time i wrote, I found out how deep the scars in him run.  We had to take him, just after Halloween, to the VAMC in Denver.  For the next 5 days I sat wondering what that place had done to him and how much my dear husband had kept as a secret for fear of me being upset about it.  I had amazing friends that pulled me out of bed everyday and consoled me when I felt inconsolable.  During that time he realized that the outpatient care and counseling he had been receiving was not going to correct/fix what that desolate hell hole and some of it's people had done to him.  At this point he began considering and actually looking forward to attending a 7-week long Residential Program at the VAMC. I had hoped so that I wouldn't have to say "see you later" more than once that he would be able to transition from the In-patient floor directly to the Program.  However they require 30days outpatient stability then he can return for the program.  We had discussed allowing him to go to TN to straighten what he could out with his former TC, which the LCSW saw as a good thing so that he could go into the program already motivated and aware of everything he was going to be facing.  This sounds like a great plan right????
Well BOOM! Yesterday he looks at me and says, "I can't do both." Huh? "I can't be a dad/husband and be able to manage this monster. I want to cancel our trip and go into the program at 30 days."
At this point my heart sank.  I had been able to look forward to Christmas and our vacation before this illness was going to take my husband away for almost two months with only "hope" no guarantee that he will get better.  I know to some this may sound stupid, but I would rather be seeing him off to the damn desert again...there are two results there...home w/ a heartbeat or home in a box.  It sounds cold but it doesn't seem as scary as this roller coaster is looking thus far.  Today I had to inform the family and friends we were scheduled to see that I wouldn't be able to make it.  Though they were understanding, none of them really "understood" the magnitude of the situation. I guess I can't expect them to either.  But none the less this is a somewhat readers digest of the past almost month.