The last 6 months of this year have blown donkey shit. I mean things with him are to be expected and as difficult as they are to handle...damn it they are part of the deal. But low and behold I am getting ready for him to leave for an extended period of time, and my grandmother passes away. She lived a wonderful and fulfilling life at 91, but losing her and spending what I thought was the last week before he leaves for a long time in another state SUCKED!
Then I get back only to find out due to beaureaucratic paper shit, the VA was saying...well we could call him to come up here any day now....Are you kidding me? You're going to take him on a split second moment!!! Sigh. Well Friday we got a call from them stating that he was to be at the VAMC at noon on the 19th. Okay, we have a date and a time. That was just fine for Friday and yesterday. Today, sitting by myself at work, I realized that in two weeks he was going to be leaving.
I know that he is going somewhere to get better and to get help for what is going on with him, but he is my lover, my best friend in the whole world and the person that I long to wake up next to FOREVER. I know that when he comes home he will be a better man, I am just kicking my feet right this second and screaming like a two year old and doing "I don't wanna" thing.
They have warned me that there may be times when he goes for days with out talking to me or wanting to talk to me because of the shit he going to be processing. This is a fair assessment of the situation and I can accept the facts of the matter...however the emotional side is screaming...why can't I just get the damn miracle and make this all fucking better?
I hope that I can be just as strong while he is gone as I have been while he has been suffering right in front of me. I had a friend recently tell me that I had no right to envy her for being the wife of a deployed soldier, because my husband can't die where he is going and her's can. At the time due to quantities of alcohol being consumed I couldn't explain to her why I envied her. But the fact of the matter is, to watch something, whether it be cancer or an emotional instability, eat and kill the body and or the soul of your mate, in my opinion, is much more difficult than the fact of them dying in a momentary incident of carelessness or violence. The "instant" death or fear thereof is simply that...instantaneous, where as living with someone who is ill in some fashion is a daily struggle to pray that they take one more breath or last one moment longer before the mental demons invade their consciousness. Though both are painful and difficult, I find the daily trial of what watching an invisible enemy eat my husband alive and there is nothing I can do to console him or myself is much more difficult than the fear or fact of a deployment death.
I think I am done...I am going to rest and attempt to relax and hopefully this year will come to a close with some kind of hope and peace.
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