In the silence of the late night hours are when I find the most comfort in my own mind. Last night, the simple sound of sand from a child's sand box falling on a nylon fabric took my wonderful husband back to that horrible place. Even though it was only for a moment, I saw once again that fear stricken glow happen in his eyes. In those moments I find myself wanting the impossible...to take on his burden. Instead I simply shrug it off and unless he brings it to my attention I move on as if it never happened.
I find myself loving him for who he is but wondering if he simple child-like wonderment will ever come back. When he and I met, his most prized possessions were his legos...a 21 year old in love with a child's toy. Though at the time I found it mildly annoying, I almost miss it now because those were the day's when I could be mad at him for forgetting dinner because he was playing with his legos or drawing rather than looking at him and trying to reel him back from that hell hole he fought in. Ironically enough, I met my husband after he had served over there. The fact of the matter was his "outbursts" and his paranoia and all of the other PTSD symptoms were swept under the rug of "honey I'm not broken I just had a bad day". That was all well and good until he had a complete mental melt down and finally looked at me and said..."I need help...it won't stop haunting me." Though I had known this the majority of our relationship, this was the first time he admitted it to me. SO we started on the long road that we have been walking for almost a year now trying everyday to get him better...some days we succeed and others we miserably fail. I just have to figure out how to get the failures off of my chest and admit that I am not in complete control of whether we succeed or fail...it is up to him, me, the kids and the universe....that DAMN universe.....well I am getting more nonsensical than normal...I am going to bed.
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